Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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