Yo dont text me then not text me
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
