Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
