is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
