I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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