Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
