i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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