the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
