Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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