Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
