Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
