Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
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