Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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