nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Boobs are out for the taking
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
