I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Randomize
