Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
