Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
