Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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