My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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