Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
