I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
