Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
