Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
