Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
