genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
