Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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