life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
