hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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