I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
