I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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