Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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