omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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