Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
