rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
