I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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