She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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