What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
