This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
