Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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