My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize