I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
