I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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