At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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