last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The best revenge is premature balding
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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