Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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