We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
