well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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