I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
