from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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