He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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