Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
