rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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