listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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