So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
