hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
