Have you finally orgasmed yet?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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