why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
