o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
farters have to be the big spoon...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize