Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
