"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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