I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
