I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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