We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
