I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize