I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize