What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
