this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
